Weddings and Marriage

Last weekend was spent celebrating the marriage of the daughter of a close friend. It was an incredibly joyful time, and the first wedding I have attended as a friend of the parents of the bride! What a change of perspective.

It was a few hours into the reception before it sunk in that this was not the wedding of one of my peers, but rather, the wedding of one of the next generation. Looking at the bride and groom and their friends taking over the dance floor, I realized I was one of the old people and it was time to get out of the way! Now, when did that happen?

My husband and I were honored to be included in the festivities and it was extra special as it also happened to be the anniversary of what we call “our big wedding.”

In 2001, we were legally married in a small ceremony but then followed it up with a renewal of vows in front of 180 of our closest family and friends the following June. That was a time to remember, and a night filled with music. The Seven Hills Middle School band entertained guests before the ceremony and played the wedding march. Following our exchange of vows and renewed commitment to one another, our good friend’s band had people out of their seats, dancing on our back deck, until local law enforcement arrived to remind of us the 10:00 pm noise ordinance. It was a party, a great wedding, and the continuation of a happy marriage.

Weddings. It can and should be an unforgettable experience, as two people commit their lives to one another. The time leading up to that special day, though, takes on a life all its own. The planning and preparation, from finding the perfect venue to finding the perfect dress, to deciding on the guest list to choosing the meal, and of course the cake, and all the other hundreds of details, can be completely consuming.

I have been hearing about the increasing trend toward destination weddings where the betrothed and the guests spend a small fortune on travel, lodging, attire and pre-nuptial activities, in addition to the actual ceremony.

Whatever the path, one thing remains certain, and that is that a wedding is simply a few hours, maybe a few days, but when it is all said and done, what the couple is left with, is marriage.

I have been acquainted with more than one bride and groom who have spent quite a bit of time and money thinking about their wedding day, but far too little time considering the long-term significance of saying, “I do”. With so much focus on a wedding, the reality of a marriage can be shocking.

Before we got married to each other, my husband and I had each made the “till death do us part” pledge to another and broke that promise. I call my unsuccessful first union my practice marriage, and while I say it in jest, the reality is that that failure did teach me a lot about what it means, and what it takes, to stay in a relationship for the long haul.

This time around, we were both in our forties by the time we committed to spending the rest of our lives together and we had learned a thing or two. Before we exchanged our own vows, we sought the help of a therapist to work out some of our beliefs and to help us blend our families. We both knew it was going to take more than our love for one another to pull us through the trials that come with any long-term relationship.

It is impossible to understand how much changes with marriage. It’s subtle, but it is there. There is comfort in knowing you are now a pair and no longer walking this path alone. But it comes with a bit of sacrifice as well.

I tend to preach to those who ask that, to me, marriage is, essentially, considering another person in every decision I make for the rest of my days. And maybe that is not true for everyone, but for me, every invitation and every goal and every choice comes with that consideration. Of course, it is so much moren but at the core is compromise.

Before saying yes or declining an opportunity or an invitation, I consider how my spouse will feel or will be affected. That may not seem like a big deal to some, but for me, it is the foundation. My actions now impact this person with whom I am sharing my life. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad. We are sharing the workload and reaping the rewards, or suffering the consequences, together.

I believe we, as a species, are innately geared to pairing up, even though it can be hard and even though our partnerships often fail. The odds of success are statistically not in their favor and yet the search goes on.

I also see a good number of my children and their friends opting out of traditional marriage in favor of friendships or more casual relationships. They are focusing on their companionships and seem to be less focused on conventional bonds. It is no wonder others decide to go it solo. I am curious to see how it all plays out.

As a big fan of love in any form, and I have nothing against a good old-fashioned celebration. I was honored to be a witness to the young couple who just recently committed to and embarked on a shared life. It was a joyful time and I wish them many happy years ahead. I hope they will ride the highs and the lows as partners and friends and are able to find their way through whatever comes their way, together.

The wedding was a blast, and my wish is that their marriage will be as well.

xo, Hollie