Who Cares

What’s all this talk about self-care? And what is it? I have a gaggle of girlfriends who are all about self-care. They spend their time and resources getting facials, manicures and pedicures, booking massage and other types of body work on a regular basis, spending time toning muscles and making certain they get enough steps in each day to support their physical and mental health, and that is just the beginning! They make sure they get enough sleep. They eat healthy foods. They have a spiritual practice and tend to be social – but not if being social puts their own wellbeing at peril. Meanwhile, my cortisol levels are off the charts. Something has got to give!

I began thinking about my own lack of self-care recently, on what was the 12th anniversary of my mother’s death. She was a poor example in the “putting one’s own needs first” department, and passed that trait on to me. It has taken me decades to allow myself rare indulgences of the forms of self-care previously noted above. Even using the term indulgences speaks to the fact that I am not there yet.

I can only think of one time my mother put herself first and it was long after her children were grown, and she was widowed. She packed up her life and moved across the country – something I am guessing she had been longing to do for decades. I don’t know if it made her happy, but I know she did it, for once, for herself.

I had these thoughts about my mom and the need to take better care of myself while in the middle of a highly stressful situation in the midst of a workday gone bad. A series of seemingly random events conspired to push me to my limits internally. While on the surface I maintained my composure and a smile, I could feel my body vibrating. My stress meter was high and the message on my Smartwatch at the end of the day concurred, reading, “You had almost no restful moments on this day. Stress consumes your body’s resources. If you are stressed for long periods of time, you may become exhausted.” My Smartwatch is very smart indeed. It was truly a “Calgon take me away” day that challenged my mind, body and spirit and I could not stop recognizing that it was time for a change.

I’d like to say I immediately booked a massage and took the next day off to relax and recharge, but that is not how my life works.

Much of my employment involves association with our aging population, care givers and care managers. I have learned that a high percentage of caregivers die before the person they are caring for passes. That is a problem and speaks volumes to the plight of those who give and give without receiving. How can one be expected to care for others when they do not take the time to care for themselves? Many find this type of work gratifying, but it also depleting.

I have heard many caregivers say they are the only one who can do it –who is able to take care of their spouse or parent or family member-- but killing themselves for the sake of another is not a solution. And their demise will leave a void that ultimately, someone else will have to fill, and here is a little secret: someone else will!

There are a number of adages that tap into this arena of putting ones self-first, in order to take care of others. Mother Teresa said, “To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it" and anyone who has flown the friendly skies knows that you have to “put on your own oxygen mask first” before attempting to help others.

Turns out, this self-care thing is not selfish, nor indulgent. It is self-preservation. A quick search on the internet tells me there are several areas of self-care, including physical, mental, spiritual, social and financial. I immediately thought, “it sounds like more work” but that was dissuaded with the understanding that a little me time translates into more energy and more joy.

Doing something nice for yourself helps maintain both mental and physical health and can prevent or at least, help, deal with illness. Yes, it may require a change in lifestyle, but one focused on your own well-being should not be a hardship! I can commit to somewhat regular gifts to myself in the form of body work to work the knots of tension out of my back and shoulders. I can incorporate an occasional pedicure to feel better about my appearance. I can make better choices while still at the grocery store to ensure better options at meal and snack time at home. I can take a dance class, go on a walk, or learn a new skill that has no other purpose than to put a smile on my face. And I can change my mindset around tasks that take time but make me feel better once complete, such as vacuuming out my car or cleaning off the chotchkes collecting dust on the mantle. Those knick-knacks are full of good memories and sentimentality, and are an easy, accessible reminder of happy times.

My mother worked hard but hardly played. That is an area I strive to conquer. I work hard and though I am slowing down a bit, my playtime is equally matched. When it comes to spending time with family and friends in a social setting, I have selfcare down! It may mean putting off a project or pushing out a deadline but, who cares?!

xo, Hollie